On not wearing stilts on cobbles

So, advice to all stilt wearers... avoid the cobbles of Corrie. Fred Elliot was probably Corrie's best known stilt wearer and look what happened to him. Liz McDonald wore a lot of stiletto heels when she was working the street corner.

Fizgan's fears

Fizgan is terrified of wearing heels in the street and has instead taken to wearing wellingtons with lifts inside. Hyrone keeps sensible shoes on hand. By which I mean he keeps them nearby and not literally on his hands.

Loft insulation

Books about benefits lined the office shelves. Need or greed? The social security officer eyed up the couple in front of them. "You've applied for Universal Credit, Child Benefit, Housing Benefit, a free TV licence, a clothing grant and loft insulation. Don't you think you've applied for too many benefits? "Oh gosh, no. We have a child and one on the way," replied Hyrone. "And beside the loft insulation isn't for us. It's for my brother who needs some insulation on top."

Horizon Scanning in the Kabin

"Horizon scanning," said Rita. "It means looking ahead and planning your business strategy. And we need to do it."

Brian looked at the shop around him. Mags and fags. Was there really a future here? 

"What are you suggesting:" he asked, tidying up the small pile of papers on the counter. 

"We need to promote our celebrity couple." 

"Fizgan and Hyrone?"

"No. Roy and Gail. According to a leaked storyline in one of those red top papers we sell, they are due to fall in love and get married. It will be the big Christmas story. We can put a card in the window saying that Roy and Gail met here. Tourists will flock to the site of where they had their first date, when Roy was thumbing through Railway Gauge Monthly and Gail came in to pay her overdue paper bill."

Brian was beginning to warm to the idea.

"We can commission mugs with pictures of them holding hands. We could commission a calendar... The Cropper and Gail families.... solo pictures of Gail, Roy, David, Nick, Sarah-lou, the grandchildren, Nina. And for Christmas, a big picture of the happy family all together. David in an Elf suit, Nina dressed as the Grinch."

Joyeous times.  No one knew what this foreshadowed.

A Coronation Carol

Xmas Day Corrie Part 2 

[Opening scene: Tracey's bedroom. Tracey is in bed with various strangers whom she met earlier in the Ravers Bar - a rival pub in nearby Rosamund Street.] 

Eric (One of the strangers): You do have lovely teeth, Tracey. 

Derek (Another stranger): And you do have lovely feet, Tracey. 

Lembit (The third stranger): And your face is so... so... so like a face. 

[A face appears at the window, and stares inside. It is the mysterious stranger who has been charged with murdering Tracey.] 

Face at Window (in quiet whisper, so we can't tell who it is): Oh no, she's got company. Nice tattoo, Lembit. 

Scene 2: Tyrone's house [Tyrone is sitting on the sofa looking devastated.]

Tyrone: I hate that Kevin Webster.

Ghostly voice of Vera: Woo woo. Ay up, our Tyrone. What's the matter love? 

Tyrone: Oh Molly told me she doesn't love me, decided to leave me, went to the shop, just before an explosion in the new pub which Nick Tilsley opened, and then was caught up in the wreckage when a tram came off the tracks after the explosion. She told Sally that Baby Jack wasn't mine, and then at the funeral I realised that the father was Kevin so I've packed Baby Jack off to Kevin's. 

GVOV: Don't be so miserable. Come with me and I will show you Christmas past.  [Ghost grabs Tyrone and they are transported back to a woman's prison.] 

Jackie [Tyrone's mum]: Thanks for coming to visit me; did you bring any fags? 

Little Tyrone [Aged 7, dressed like the Hovis Boy]: No mama, I was unable to bring any contraband into this house of imprisonment, as Mr Bizzytwig the warden would not allow it. 

Jackie: Oh him! He's a @@@@@@. Have you brought me any drink Sweetie? 

Little Tyrone: I attempted to bring in some libations, but Mr Bizzytwig's assistant Mrs Emmac Fuzzstop drank it. 

Jackie: Well did you bring me any soap or toothpaste or anything? 

Little Tyrone: Alas, mater, I was unable to bring you any such things, as I had no money left after purchasing your cigarettes and liquor. I had to walk here and will have to walk back too, but I did not feel concerned about this 24 mile round trip as it is a son's duty to visit his mother when the former is incarcerated by the Bobbies. 

Jackie: Well you can go. I don't need you here if you've got nothing for me. 

[Tryone and the Ghost reappear at Tyrone's house. Vera's ghost vanishes and Jack's ghost appears.] 

 

Ghost Jack: Come with me, lad. I want you to see what could happen in the future. (He takes Jack's hand, and they find themselves on the Street, in December 2060. Gail and Eileen are fighting in the street, and Dev is watching from his wheelchair. Norris and Emily watch from the Kabin door. Sally comes out of her house, with Rosey - now an ageing woman wearing the same type of clothes as she did in 2010 - in tow. Baby Jack also comes out of the house. 

Tyrone: Is that...? 

Ghost of Jack: Aye, it's Baby Jack. He has grown up in a dysfunctional home, and is now dysfunctional. 

 

[Baby Jack runs over the street and starts to fight with Eileen and Gail.]  

Baby Jack: It's a fight! 

[Ken's hair comes out of the house. It is the same style, colour and thickness as it had been in 2010.] 

 

Ken's hair: Oh, another fight in the street. It's been like this ever since Ena and Elsie first argued way back in the 1960s. 

[Rosie's daughter, Tiffany Cole, comes out. She looks like Rosie did in 2010, but she has her father's facial features.] 

Tiffany: A fight, yeah bring it on. 

Sally: Rosie, get Tiffany to behave. 

Rosie: Oh mother, I can't. You have no idea how difficult it is to get your children to behave these days. They're not all as well-behaved as I was. 

Tiffany: Hit her, Baby Jack. 

Ken's hair: NO! STOP THIS FIGHTING. 

[All stop fighting, as the wise old hair has spoken. Ken's hair shuffles back to his house, his slippers scuffling on the cobbles. Tyrone is transported back to his house, and Ghost of Jack disappears.]

Tyrone: Baby Jack is going to grow up to be a thug who fights in the street. Should I get him back from Kev? Can I risk him growing up like that?

Scene 3: The Mobile Kabin [Mary and Norris are parked in a rough estate, waiting for customers.] 

Norris: So Tracey is still alive. 

Mary: Yes. Norris: Here comes a customer. 

Customer: A magazine, a Gazette and a packet of Rizlas please. 

Norris: Three pounds eighty please. 

Customer: Thanks. Did I hear you talking about Tracey? 

Mary: No, no you didn't. We are not planning to murder her. 

Customer: You are, you are. I will tell her. 

Norris: No, you can't. We aren't really planning to kill her. 

Customer: I don't believe you. 

[Norris picks up a giant toblerone and hits her on the head. She dies]. 

Mary: Oh dear. You've killed her. I'll call John and ask him to advise him about getting rid of the body. 

Music and Credits.

Christmas on the cobbles

Scene 1: The Barlows
(Tracey is picking her nose with a cocktail stick.)
TB: I want my Amy back.
Deirde: I wanted you back our Trace.
TB: I can understand that.
DB: Promise me no more fighting.
TB: Ye.

Scene 2: The hospital.
Fizz: I hope Hope will be ok.
Nurse: To be sure, to be sure.
Fizz: We're having Christmas dinner here today, specially for John. It'll be like the Vicar of Dibley all over again.

Scene 3: The pub
[Tracey enters, wearing a pair of wings and a halo.]
TB: I want my baby.
Steve: Well, I dunno.
Becky: You @@@@@ @@@@. I will @@@@@@@@ @@@@@ you.
TB: Talk to the hand strumpet.
Amy: Oh, mummy.

Scene 4: The street.
[Mary arrives in the campervan. She invites Norris, Emily and Rita in. They sit down and start to talk.]
Mary: We will need to murder either David or Tracey. We should have a vote.
Norris: Can't we do both?
Emily: Norris. What a thing to say. It's Christmas day.
Rita: I vote David.
Emily: I say Tracey.
Mary: I say David.
Norris: Tracey, it has to be Tracey.
Mary: It's a draw. We will have to go to the viewers' vote.
[Lackey hands a golden envelope to Mary.]
Mary: Tonight, the act that is due to be murdered is.... [pauses for ages]
Norris: Get on with it Mary.
Mary: The act that is due to be murdered is...... Tracey.
Emily: Good. Now let's draw straws to see who gets the chance to do it.

Scene 5: The Pub
[Everyone is eating turkey legs using their hands. Steve is dressed as a dandy highwayman, and Becky is dressed as the Queen. There is dancing, singing and much swigging of ale out of tankards.]
Deirdre: I see Gail's here.
Ken: No fighting today Deirdre, remember.
DB: Ok Ken.

[Other side of pub]
Gail: Tracey is out and Deirdre is sitting there, all innocent and angelic.
David: The bitch.
Nick: No fighting today mum, please.
Gail: Tracey tried to get me sent down.

Scene 6: Tracey bumps into Claire
TB: I'm sorry to hear that your wotsisname is dead.
CP: I'm sorry to hear that you're out of prison.
TB: Did he have any last words for me?
CP: No, but he did leave a cryptic note, saying "If I should die young, please tell TB that I love her, and I am so pleased that we used to meet in the butcher's fridge and entertain each other among the dead carcasses." I can't work out who it's for or what it means. But if I find out, I will kill the person responsible.
TB: I wonder who it could be. Could it be T'Emily Bishop?
CP: I wonder.....

Scene 7: Kevin's conservatory.
[Kev and baby Jack are drinking lagers. Kev is on his 12th, and Baby Jack is drinking his 15th bottle.]
Kev: What will I do baby Jack?
BJ: I don't know. Keep me or give me back. You decide.
Kev: I know, but it's not easy.
BJ: Well I don't mind; either way I will be good for future storylines.

Scene 8: The back of the Barlows' house.
[A dark figure creeps towards the drainpipe, a knife in one hand, a hammer in the other and a pair of pliers in the other.]

Unknown voice: I will kill you, Tracey Barlow, and save mankind from sin for ever more.

Music and credits.